Tonight I saw myself as Cybil, 2 faces. Last week I made a video for my husband. The video was an interview with our three year old about his daddy. We are giggling, happy, silly. 3 minutes. Interview over. Camera is set on the kitchen table, somehow left to record the next two hours of our lives, unbeknownst to me.
Tonight I stumble onto the video, watching in disbelief. Is that me? The kids are whining. I go to the kitchen sink. I am rolling my eyes, shooting dirty looks their way. I can try to make excuses for how terrible this scene looks. We are tired, daddy has been out of town too long, and mommy is over whelmed. But even then, nothing can stop the nausea, the pain in my heart as I watch the kitchen scene unfold. A different view from mere seconds before, when we knew the camera was rolling. Now there is no giggling, no smiling, just “Hurry up”, anger, frustration and worst of all, the dirty looks. No, this can’t be me. I would never look at my children that way. But it is. This video breaks my heart.
I am left to wonder, why was that camera left on? Why did it capture those 2 hours of motherhood without my knowing? Why was I given this glimpse at myself?
And who is the true me? The face I put on for that camera? Am I the one giggling with her kids, not showing a worry to the world? Or the one rushing her little ones to wash their hands so we can quickly move on?
Who do I want to be? Everyone wants to be that fun-loving calm mom. But yet, as a mother, it’s so hard to lose that control we want. The raising of children to be respectable, responsible people, all while maintaining a household, being the perfect wife, having the cleanest house and healthiest dinners on the table each night.
Pressure takes its toll. And the eye-rolling mom emerges.
As I become more and more angry at myself, I remember my Bible Verse for the year~
Proverbs 14:1 the wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.
I believe He was giving me a little reminder of what I want to NOT let happen!
Now, weeks later when I feel myself losing control I stop, take a deep breath and smile. I remember the ugly mom face, the one I want to dispose of. I smile and know that, although it was painful, the lesson I learned was worth the heartache. I am a servant, committed and responsible to raising the children of God. I am not perfect, but will be forgiven. I will stray, but will be guided back on track if I choose to listen. Most importantly, I have the best teacher and guidance counselor, if I just listen.
Psalm 86:15 but you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.
I challenge you to ask yourself these same questions. Are you living the life He wants for you? Are you listening to Him? Are you destroying what should be good?
Tonight as I listen to my son say his bedtime prayers, I know that all the struggles are worth it~ “Dear God, thank you for my life and for Mommy’s life…..”
- Kari Ryan
