Honest

This blog is a diary

for our family

because, ya know,

I am NOT good

with baby books

or journals.

I love to share 

our 

experiences

with family,

friends

or whomever

stumbles onto our site.

I love to learn

from others.

I love getting ideas

for teaching,

activities

and just overall

advice

from other blogs

and sometimes

even Facebook.

But,

lately

I have seen many struggle

with

the balance

of 

"too much" 

sharing 

or

jealousy

from seeing 

what other people

are

"doing".

Even anger,

splitting up friends,

pushing people

away from each other.

There are not many

who

are 

completely honest

on their 

Internet sharing.

But, really,

no one wants to hear

negative Nancy,

we want

to hear that others

are happy,

we want to see

their kids laughing,

beautiful vacations,

yummy food

and 

happy families.

But, sometimes

seeing all that positive

in the lives of others

makes people

feel less adequate

in themselves.

I have witnessed this firsthand recently

one

to 

many

times.

Recently

I had an event occur

in my personal life

that was very difficult.

It was something I would have shared with

only

my husband,

maybe no one at all.

But 

my heart was called.

I don't know why

but it was.

Our Church has a weekly

woman's devotional

written by

any member who would like to share.

Last week

I was chosen

by Him

to share.

I was scared to death.

I let Jake read

my Devotional the night before

it was to go out

to hundreds of women.

I didn't believe

it was OK.

I was questioning

if I should call

the Church and tell them

to stop the presses.

But my heart 

and husband

told me

to let go.

Tonight I saw myself as Cybil, 2 faces. Last week I made a video for my husband. The video was an interview with our three year old about his daddy. We are giggling, happy, silly. 3 minutes. Interview over. Camera is set on the kitchen table, somehow left to record the next two hours of our lives, unbeknownst to me. Tonight I stumble onto the video, watching in disbelief. Is that me? The kids are whining. I go to the kitchen sink. I am rolling my eyes, shooting dirty looks their way. I can try to make excuses for how terrible this scene looks. We are tired, daddy has been out of town too long, and mommy is over whelmed. But even then, nothing can stop the nausea, the pain in my heart as I watch the kitchen scene unfold. A different view from mere seconds before, when we knew the camera was rolling. Now there is no giggling, no smiling, just “Hurry up”, anger, frustration and worst of all, the dirty looks. No, this can’t be me. I would never look at my children that way. But it is. This video breaks my heart. I am left to wonder, why was that camera left on? Why did it capture those 2 hours of motherhood without my knowing? Why was I given this glimpse at myself? And who is the true me? The face I put on for that camera? Am I the one giggling with her kids, not showing a worry to the world? Or the one rushing her little ones to wash their hands so we can quickly move on? Who do I want to be? Everyone wants to be that fun-loving calm mom. But yet, as a mother, it’s so hard to lose that control we want. The raising of children to be respectable, responsible people, all while maintaining a household, being the perfect wife, having the cleanest house and healthiest dinners on the table each night. Pressure takes its toll. And the eye-rolling mom emerges. As I become more and more angry at myself, I remember my Bible Verse for the year~ Proverbs 14:1 the wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. I believe He was giving me a little reminder of what I want to NOT let happen! Now, weeks later when I feel myself losing control I stop, take a deep breath and smile. I remember the ugly mom face, the one I want to dispose of. I smile and know that, although it was painful, the lesson I learned was worth the heartache. I am a servant, committed and responsible to raising the children of God. I am not perfect, but will be forgiven. I will stray, but will be guided back on track if I choose to listen. Most importantly, I have the best teacher and guidance counselor, if I just listen. Psalm 86:15 but you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. I challenge you to ask yourself these same questions. Are you living the life He wants for you? Are you listening to Him? Are you destroying what should be good? Tonight as I listen to my son say his bedtime prayers, I know that all the struggles are worth it~ “Dear God, thank you for my life and for Mommy’s life…..”  - Kari Ryan

The morning this

was sent out

I was at work.

My heart would race

when I would think of others

reading it.

What were they thinking of me?

Did I really mess up here?

At 9:30

I received a text from a good friend.

She loved the devotional

it brought her to tears.

She thanked me for sharing.

This was the first of many women

who approached me by

phone, Internet

or even in person

thanking me

for being honest,

open,

humble.

Many of them

were happy

to hear they were not alone

in their struggles

to raise children.

That just because

I put pictures of 

happy times on

face book,

there are difficult times too.

It was not easy,

but I was so glad

I followed the call.

love, the rockinryans